Welcome to the “Love and Sex Today” show with Dr. Doug Weiss. Doug has been healing hearts and relationships for decades. He has helped thousands of people release the shame and guilt, restoring hope, helping people get free from addictions, to enjoy a better sex and love life. Here he is, your host, Dr. Doug Weiss.
I’ve been counseling men and women for over thirty years. For the last fifteen years, they’ve been flying in and visiting my office to have better relationships, have better sex lives, and become free from addictions of all kinds. In these sessions when I’m sitting heart to heart with another person, another soul, and they get an idea, a new paradigm, a new tool—it radically changes their life. Almost instantaneously, they get the “aha” and they start doing life differently. This happens every week.
I’m sitting in my office right now, and just today, there was a lady who got an incredible insight that changed her life. It’s amazing. And so, I thought what if we could give these ideas, these paradigms, these tools, this medicine away to a large group of people and do it for free? I thought, “Well, that would be awesome, because then we could help people all over the world have better relationships and have a great sex life, and be free from the chains that maybe are keeping them in some bondage of addiction.”
I’m a recovering person. I’ve been recovering from alcohol, drugs, and sexual addiction for over thirty years, with caffeine, and sugar following. I know what it’s like to be in bondage. I know what it’s like to be free. Free is so much better. We see that every day in my office, and I’m hoping from these posts, we will get emails from you saying, “Hey, that idea helped me, helped me have a better relationship, helped me have a better sex life.”
That’s why I’m writing these posts. I want you to have an awesome life. I want you to be able to enjoy your relationships. I want to you to have freedom. Maybe you’ve been in bondage to some kind of addictive behavior, and you’ve tried and tried again, and cried and cried again, but you can’t stop. If I can help you stop, if I can help you get an idea or a tool that can move you to the next place of freedom in your life, that would make everything we do as a team through this blog, totally worthwhile.
Today’s topic is having better sex tonight, guaranteed. I’m going to give you three tips to have an amazing sex life. I thought when you label a show “Love and Sex Today,” should we talk about love on the first show? Yes, maybe. Or should we talk about sex? The people I talk to say, “You should probably talk about sex because people want to have a great sex life and then get into all the other topics.” I can do that. I can give a man or woman three simple ideas that can take their sex to another level today. As soon as you can get connected to your sex partner, and have a great time, you can have a great sex life.
Now when I’m talking about sex, I want you to have mind-blowing sex. I want your wife or husband to be crazy happy, but before I get into how, I need to have a much bigger conversation. I need to have a conversation about sex because we’re going to do many lessons on sex. I’ve got at least 50 or 60 outlined that I want to get to, because we want you to have those ideas. We want you to be improved. We want you to go, “Wow, I never thought of it that way before. That makes sense to me.” Or, “I’m not sure that will work Dr. Weiss, but you know, I’ll give it a shot. What have I got to lose?” Then we get the emails saying, “Wow, that was really amazing.”
Don’t worry. When I’m talking about sex, I have a high value of sexuality. I’m a psychologist, so that right there tells you a little about me, but probably not a lot. I’ve spent a lot of time studying. I went to school for ten years, studying humans, studying that we are really amazing creatures. On a personal side, I’ve been happily married for over thirty years to my wife Lisa and have been faithful to her. I love her with all my heart. She’s a great lover, friend, helper, partner, and CFO of my company. She’s awesome, okay? So when I’m talking about sex, I’m talking about a kind of relational sex—sex inside a context of a relationship. I am not talking about the kind of baseless, mindless, body sex you might get on another website or in a porn magazine. For the last thirty years, I’ve been helping people who got their ideas out of porn magazines get a better sex life, become happier, more emotionally developed, more spiritually developed, and more financially successful.
I work with sexual addiction. Most of my life, I’ve written many books on that. You won’t believe when a man or a woman actually arrests the sex addiction in their life, they double or more than double their income, whether they’re business owners, sales people, or entrepreneurs. This sexuality thing is a big part of who we are. It affects all of who we are: our emotions, our spirit, our financial, our social, our friendships, our marriage, our relationships, and even how we parent. As a psychologist, I am really in awe and privileged to look at the complexity of a person’s soul, spirit, and body. Even just the hormone balance and other things like that can make such a big difference in your life. I’m not talking about the kind of sex that maybe two bears might have, or two giraffes, or two dogs might have, because we’re more evolved than that. We should expect more of ourselves. We do in every area of life. No one says, “Hey, you know what? I want to grow up and be like a dog. My highest goal is to be able to think like a bear and just walk around and hopefully a fish shows up. I don’t really have any aspirations or dreams, I just want to kind of crawl around.”
Nowhere in our lives do we want to be like animals, including the area of sexuality. There’s this whole genre out there that says, “Hey, just be an animal. If it feels good, do it.” Well, if it feels good, you might not want to do it because it might not work out for you or be helpful for either one of you. When I’m talking about sex, I want you to know I have an honor of sexuality. Over the many lessons we have outlined and planned, you’re going to get a feeling when I talk about sex, I’m talking about making love. I’m not talking about just physical sex. I know that married couples every once in awhile, will have what they call their short session. They all have their cute names for it and I understand that, but I’m talking about generally. Making love is such a better thing. It’s such a higher quality. As humans we can aspire to, and actually can obtain a really phenomenal, satiating sex life that fulfills us, not just physically releases us, but fulfills us.
When I’m talking about sexuality, I’m talking about that kind of relational sexuality. As I said, I work with people with sexual addictions. They fly from all over the country, all over the world. They come here, they get better, they get free, they get sober, every single week. It’s an amazing thing, but here’s one of the things I’ve learned from them, because I learn a lot from my clients. I learn from people in general all the time. One of the things I learned from them is most of them learned how to have sex as an object. They learned to have sex with a fantasy world. They learned to have sex with pornography. They’ve done it hundreds, if not thousands of times before their first relationship where sex was a part of their relationship, oftentimes, because of their sexual conditioning. You want to catch the “Sex and the Brain” post we’re going to make down the road. It’s an amazing thing.
These young people, and I was one of them, young men or young women, get into pornography, fantasy and self behavior and what happens is they condition themselves so that they can only be sexual in an altered state or fantasy state. Even with a real person, the real person can’t get them to a place of orgasm because they’re conditioned to be in an altered state. So even if they’re with a real person, they have to go to a fantasy or porn magazine in their brain and access that to be able to be sexual. That is so sad. Millions of people are stuck in the object relationship sexuality, where they have to fantasize to be able to be sexual with a real person. Real people are amazing. If you’re fully engaged, they’re more than enough. But oftentimes, people don’t know how to be fully engaged sexually. These three tips are going to help you engage all of yourself to be sexual. When all of you is sexual, then you get that deep satiated feeling. You get that more than enough. You get that wow, not like “Hey, let’s do it again,” because there’s, “Wow.” You just want to bask in the satisfaction that you’re having and that you’ve had. It’s an amazing feeling.
If you can only do object sex, you’re going to feel emptied and feel like you’re not scratching the itch that sexuality can really scratch in your soul, heart, and spirit. So, we’re going to talk about having relational sex. We’re going to talk about connecting person to person, not just body to body. If you have no idea what I’m talking about right now, you need to listen to these three tips. This can literally transform the way you are sexually. It can transform your ability to move from a sex partner to a lover. And if you’re a man, women want lovers. They want their husband to look into their soul and be present with them. I mean I’ve worked with thousands of men and women, and I’ve had so many women tell me, “You know, my husband is gone during sex. I could be anybody.” That totally turns women off. If you’re immature in the area of sexuality, it can make the woman really not want to be sexual with you.
These tips come from my book, “The Ten Minute Marriage.” On the website, loveandsextoday.com, there’s going to be a free chapter talking about sexuality. You want to get that free chapter. It’s totally there for you. Also, subscribe and make a comment on iTunes because we’re going to pick one of you at the end of the month that will get an hour conversation with me about anything in your life you want to discuss, to help you go to the next level. I really want to connect with you. I want to see your life better.
This is going to amount to about six words. It makes it so easy to remember. But I’m going to take two words at a time and I’m going to explain what I mean. The first two words are “eyes open.” Now, it is very common for people, when they are being sexual together to close their eyes. It’s not uncommon for someone if they’re being orgasmic to close their eyes just because of the level of intensity. That’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is in the foreplay portion of sexuality, and during sex itself that you look into each other’s eyes. You know, I can’t tell you how many countless couples I’ve worked with, sometimes they’re fifty, sixty years old. They’ve had sex for twenty or thirty years and they cannot tell me the eye color of their spouse. How sad is that? How tragic is that? Can you imagine being married for thirty years and not knowing what color eyes your wife has or your husband has? My wife has the brightest green eyes with this hue of yellow and it drives me crazy.
You want to have your eyes open. You want to be looking into each other’s eyes. Let me give you another reason why this is really helpful. First of all, if you’re looking at your spouse, you’re connecting to them and attaching to them. If you’re actively looking at your spouse or your partner, you’re looking them in the eye. It’s going to be very challenging for you to follow these three tips and actually be able to go to a fantasy state, to actually leave your body and go to the altered state. It’s going to be very hard if not impossible to do. You’re going to run out of ram in your brain.
This helps you stay present. It helps you stay connected. When you’re inches away from the other person’s face, and you’re looking into their eyes, you can tell what’s going on. You are being with them. You’re not just having sex. It’s like “Wow, there you are, my love, my beauty. Wow, I love you.” Right? Even if you don’t say it, which we’ll talk about it in a second, you’re feeling it. It’s like, “Wow. I love just being with you.” So the first tip, “eyes open.” Look at the person you’re making love to. Have them look at you. Behold them and be beheld. That beholding experience is so amazing. You do not want to rob yourself of that part of sexuality. Being beheld during sexuality is powerful.
The next tip, number two, is “lights on.” Now I’m not talking about theatrical lighting. I’ve done a lot of TV and you know, they’ve got these big lights everywhere. That’s not what we’re talking about. Not every light has to be on in the room, just a simple candlelight will do. Just enough light that you can look into each other’s eyes. Just enough light that you can see your partner’s body and you can enjoy the whole visual experience of each other. You look into each other’s eyes, you’re looking around at each other, you’re touching each other. This is a fantastic multi-sense situation, which is powerful. You want to enjoy every single moment of that. You want to be able to have some kind of lights on so that you can see each other. Again, behold and be beheld. It’s beautiful.
Now tip number three is “nurturing conversation.” Now with nurturing conversation, I am not talking about dirty talk. I’m talking about things that have meaning. In another post, I’m going to tell you three words every woman wants to hear and three words every man wants to hear. I’m not going to do that today, but you need to learn some of the things your spouse wants to hear. If you don’t know what to say, I’ve got a great book called “The Five Sex Languages.” Get that book. Learn your spouse’s sex language. It tells you exactly what to say during sex, exactly what to say during foreplay. But I want you to say kind things, good things. Avoid dirty talk. Avoid four letter words that have no meaning. Make words that have meaning when you’re making love because those words go deep into the heart of the person you’re making love to. Those seeds can grow into very good things for your life, or that silence or negative words can really damage your relationship and heart. You want to practice these three tips tonight or any other time you make love.
You want to practice them, and you want to keep practicing them. I’ll tell you a quick story before we go today. I’ll never forget John. He was this huge Texan man and he walked into my office. He was a sex addict. He cheated on his wife with probably almost a hundred prostitutes, so he had plenty of sexual encounters. He was getting sober from his sexual addiction. I told him about these three tips that I’m telling you about today, three simple ideas. Eyes open, lights on, nurturing conversation. “Start having sex relationally with your wife, John.” He thought I was crazy. He was like, “I’ll do it because I’m paying you, but …” A couple weeks later, he comes walking in my door. He kind of fills up the whole door as he walks in. He’s got this big huge grin on his face. I’m like, “John, what’s up?” He says, “Well, Dr. Weiss, you know, I’m having the best sex of my life.”
He was so happy. He didn’t understand that all the sex he was having in his addiction with prostitutes was object sex. Now he’s having this opportunity to connect to his wife emotionally, spiritually, and physically, and actually be in his own body and be present, not disconnected in a disassociated state, but actually present and making love. He was ecstatic, and if you practice these principles, there will be some ecstasy in your life and in your relationship.
Now, I want you to go to loveandsextoday.com. Subscribe, and then post a review on iTunes. This is so important. Of those people who post a review on iTunes, one person will be selected for a priceless conversation with yours truly, Dr. Doug Weiss, and we’ll talk about whatever you want to talk about. Just a conversation. How to improve your life in some way, in any way, whether it’s a business idea, a relationship, whatever you have on your heart. Don’t forget your free chapter as well. As always, have the best love and best sex today.
That’s it for our episode of “Love and Sex Today” with Dr. Doug Weiss. Head on over to loveandsextoday.com and be sure to subscribe to the show on iTunes. When you do, and you post a review on iTunes, some lucky listener is going to win every single month, a private confidential coaching call with Dr. Doug Weiss. Also, feel free to ask any question you like. You can push a button, speak your question, and Dr. Doug will answer your question in a future episode. So be sure to subscribe to the show. Doug has got some great gifts for you. We will look forward to seeing you next time.