Welcome to “Love and Sex Today.” I am Dr. Doug Weiss and today’s discussion is going to be really hot—“What Really Turns a Woman On?” I am telling you, I have talked to thousands of women about sex. Every week in my office, I talk about sex: frequency, what they want, how they get connected to a man sexually. I have the secrets every man needs to know, so you want to share this one, for sure, with every man in your life because every man needs to understand how a woman works, how she really gets turned on sexually. You’re not going believe the answers, so you want to read this.
What really turns women on? Imagine if you were sitting in a room for thirty years and women were telling you what was turning them on, and for the first four or five of those years, you didn’t believe a word they were saying. But after six, seven, eight, ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty years, you begin to believe regardless of where this woman grew up, what race she is, what religion she is, what personality she has, there was a cluster of principles that came together, that all went to the same direction of her hot button. What really makes her feel like, “I want you?”
Most men want to be wanted, but they tend to try to be sexual with women the way they think a man wants to be. I probably need to do a podcast of what turns a man on, but that’s not really too hard. Just be in the same room. See, men are aroused by physical proximity. Basically, you just have to be close enough for them to look at you and that can arouse them. For women, the button is not on the outside. It is not what you look like, okay guys? And, thank God, because some guys, let’s just say they lose their six-pack, and other things. It’s a good thing women are not aroused by physical value or appreciation, because men tend to change if they’re not careful. For women, their buttons are on the inside.
Women, if you forward this to a man, you’re going to have to tell him, “This guy’s right, believe what he’s telling you,” because men don’t believe me right away. The men who do have a better sex lives of course, and they really get to understand the sexual system of a woman is inside, not outside.
She’s aroused by emotional proximity, not physical proximity. I’ve been in conferences all over the world with couples and sometimes thousands at a time, and I say, “Now, women, if I’m right on this point, let the men know, make some noise.” They go crazy because I’m right. It’s like, finally, someone gets me. So, women, I do get you, I hear you. Your sexuality is real, it’s intricate, it’s beautiful, and it can be really, really fun if a man understands the next five things I’m about to tell him.
So number one, what really turns a woman on: is to be listened to. Women really want to be listened to, so that you hear their heart. That means when she’s talking to you, you’re paying attention to her and you’re listening to what she’s saying. You’re also listening to what she’s feeling when she’s talking and reflect back, “Well it sounds like you’re feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, honey.” Now she knows that you’re really listening to her, not just listening to the words. Men tend to listen to the words, without listening to her. You want to listen to her heart. What is she feeling, what’s she saying? I understand that sometimes it’s simply miscellaneous communication. But, when it’s getting real, you need to tune in to your listening button. That turns her on, that you’re there for her, that you hear her. It is really, really important.
Number two: validate what she’s experiencing. Now it takes it to another level. It’s like, “Okay, I hear that you’re frustrated, or you’re overwhelmed, or you’re stressed, or you’re excited, whatever she’s feeling.” Then validate it—”It’s valid, honey. I’d be frustrated if my friends did that to me. I’d feel hurt if my kids disrespected me like you were disrespected today. I would feel confused if your boss misunderstood you the way you’re saying. Totally, it’s valid that you’re confused or frustrated. I’m glad you’re excited about the trip you’re taking with your sister. I’d be excited if I was getting away for a week and that’s fantastic.” It’s beyond listening. It’s saying that her experiences and emotions are real, valid, and legitimate. That makes women go, “He’s here with me. We’re sitting on the same bench together. He’s in my world. He’s in my emotions. He’s in my life.”
Number three: women love to be anticipated. You know she likes coffee, the coffee’s ready. This goes beyond her life, but, if you can anticipate what’s going on in the family and in their life, and actually beat her to what needs to be done. Sometimes my wife gets up for yoga really early in the morning. She gets up at four something to get to the class because we live a little bit outside of town. I know if she’s not out of bed by like [spp-timestamp time="4:15"], she’s going to be running behind because it takes a certain amount of time for Lisa to get ready. I mean she’s gorgeous and she just likes to get ready. She has this little protein shake she drinks and two cups of hot tea. So if she’s running late, I’ll go out there and put that all together and put it in her car. It only takes me a few minutes and she feels anticipated like, “Oh my gosh, I’m married to a man. He can see that I was running behind and he anticipated what I needed.”
Anticipate. If it’s going to be a busy day, pick up the kids. If there’s something that needs to be done, “Honey, I don’t want you to cook today, I got Chinese food today, or I bought a pizza for us and the kids. I know you were tired because you had this big project today.” Anticipation to your wife means, “You thought about me. You thought about what was going in my world. You anticipated what was going to happen in my world and you met a need that even I didn’t necessarily know I had. I was really surprised you could think that deeply, and that makes me want you.”
Number four: women want to be trusted. They want to be trusted with a few things that men have challenges with. So men, you need to share your feelings with your wife. I share two feelings with my wife every day. We have a post on “The Three Tips to Intimacy” that can help you with this. Your wife wants to hear your feelings because it makes her feel trusted. They want to hear your dreams because it makes them feel trusted that they’re in the inner circle of your heart. They want to hear your faults. Your wife, your long-term partner, does not believe you’re perfect. If you believe that, you’re delusional. Okay? You’re not perfect. She knows that. She married you anyway. But, it really makes her feel trusted when you say, “You know, I was really a jerk today with this situation,” or “I complain too much,” or “I’m grumpy.”
Of course, if you’re doing that with her, you want to ask forgiveness and be responsible. But, it’s just, “Hey, this was my day today and here’s not just the best picture of my day, but I just want to share it with you, because it’s just kind of who I was.” And, women, they like that. They like that you’re imperfect. They like that you trust them with that. It makes them endear you, you know, and feel close to you, which is a good start for sexuality.
Number four, this is critical because it’s kind of peripheral, but it really makes a difference. Women want to be with someone who keeps their word. Your yes is yes, your no is no. If you say you’re going to do something, you follow through, okay? And, you get it done. That’s really important, especially if it’s about the environment, you know, about the house, and the cars and stuff. “Hey, did you do that?” “Yes.”
Women hate being nags, and if your wife or your partner’s asking you three or four times, it means you’re acting like a child, you’re being irresponsible, you’re putting things off, and you need to put your big boy pants on and get things done, when you say you’re going to do them. Don’t commit to things, and don’t follow through. That doesn’t make your spouse or wife feel any better, okay? It makes them get frustrated, if it’s not done. And, what they really love is you doing that without even being told, which is my motto. I mean, if I see something, I just do it, I do it right then because I need to get it done. Helps me keep things going.
Lastly, women love to be learned about sexually. They love to be explored emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and sexually. So you need to learn their sex language. I have a book “The Five Sex Languages” which will help you learn your partner’s sex language. In the book, I teach you how to understand her in foreplay, during the sex act, and after the sex act. The whole thing is outlined for you guys. It is so simple. It’s a road map to her sexuality, but you need to find out what language speaks to her and then really learn it. Learn her. Learn how she wants to be asked for sex. I guarantee you it’s different than yours. If you get the book she can learn your sex language, and that makes your sexuality go through the ceiling as well.
Guys, I know that you really want to understand how to turn a woman on. I’m telling you, I’m giving you the keys to the kingdom right here. There’s not a button on her. She can just touch you almost anywhere and it’s like, “Whoa, okay, I’m ready.” That is not the way she works. Her operating system is totally different. It’s internal. When you accept it’s internal and you work with the internal system, you will never lack for sex. You will never have a woman who you have to beg and plead. When you totally ignore the internal sexual system, she stops desiring you. You did it when you were dating. You listened to her, you talked, you shared your dreams, you told her when you made mistakes, you followed through, you showed up on time. No wonder there was arousal in your relationship. Maybe you were that way early in your marriage, but it can drop off. So guys, you need to be intentional, learn these five things, and if you like any guys in your life, go ahead and forward this to them.
As always, I want you to go to loveandsextoday.com. Subscribe there and find a free chapter to one of my books. Write a review in iTunes. This is going to be a great one to review. I’d love to hear how many guys go, “Oh my gosh, he was right.” That happens a lot in my life, but I want you to let other people know this one really works because it really does. I’ve seen thousands of men’s lives change just by applying some of these basic principles. One of you who write a review will be picked for a private conversation with me where we can have fun and advance an area of your life. As always, have great love, have great sex.